"Game Of The West" Experience of western woman in relation with Muslim.

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As a woman who speaks from personal experience, I would like to offer the following suggestions for Mary and her daughter, to determine whether a future lifetime together is really possible. 1) There are two very excellent websites with chat groups that I highly recommend you and your daughter review/join: a) Muslim Husbands - sponsored/run by Americans who converted to Islam and are married to or involved with a Muslim man (mainly foreigners). b) Loving A Muslim - sponsored/run by Christian women for ANY woman married to or involved with a Muslim man. The chat groups especially will give you an idea of how women already in such situations are living and coping, how normal their lives are and the type of questions and problems that may arise. If you join either I would suggest not posting immediately but just reading a lot of what others post (and archives) just to get a feel for the groups. Also try to ask very general questions and think carefully because sometimes what Americans think to ask/say may appear offensive to Muslims, even if that is not the intent. 2) READ as much as you can about the particular country and specific cultural traditions from where any Muslim showing interest in your daughter hails from. Many Muslims do not realize that a lot of what they consider "Islamic" is really mostly cultural - however, either way, since it affects their upbringing and outlook on life issues, understanding the culture in addition to Islam is most important. Also remember that primarily the upper classes can afford to send their sons abroad (and have you noticed very few Muslim females are sent abroad for studies?). There definitely is a difference between urban versus rural groups, the latter tending to be more "traditional" and less sophisticated and accepting of "outsiders". I found out, no matter how far a Muslim has traveled or been away from family/home, they still very heavily influence him. Which leads to my 2nd point… 3) Perhaps this young man has not told you, but Islamic teachings FORBID "dating" as well as any unchaperoned interaction between a male and female who are not closely related. Most Muslims also have "arranged marriages" with spouses chosen between families who know each other well while their children are still very young. However, because of the economy in most of these countries, young males are regularly sent abroad for school or employment and are expected to help support the family overseas. And because they are youths, when they sense a bit of freedom they will also "test" their upbringing and perhaps even start to question/change some of the ideas they were raised with. Then remember they are also normal-blooded males and therefore because they KNOW they can not openly "date" any Muslim female without it word getting back to the family, of course, their only option is to date a "western" woman - who probably has no idea of the taboo on dating (and pre-marital sex) in Islamic culture. Then, there is also the fact that a lot of Muslim families will allow their sons some discretion to "experiment", as long as they comply at a later time and marry their "chosen", or at least someone Islamic. (However, problems are also now arising as foreign Muslims choose to marry American Muslims and the families notice cultural differences. I also might add that I have found "arranged marriages" to be very prevalent in many foreign cultures. I know Pakistani Christians and Indian Hindus who have also chosen mates for their children and would NEVER allow their daughter to "date" or marry outside of the culture. And don't forget that (chaperoned) "courting" was the tradition for most Europeans and Americans until better relationships developed during WWII - before that it was not proper to "date" anyone unless you were formally introduced and many Europeans arranged marriages as well. The primary reason most Muslim men no longer marry at a young age is they cannot afford the REQUIRED dowry (bride price). To end this point, because you now know this, it would also now be appropriate for you to immediately request to know his intentions and ask to meet/speak to his parents (even if they are overseas) and also other Muslim family/friends he has in America. 4) Although some might disagree with me, I would like to refute Bishop T. Nasir and many Christians misconception that intermarriage is not allowed. I would say that it is God's intention to heavily consider any union, but especially for inter-religious marriages the believing spouse must have the intent to witness (both openly and by silent lifestyle) to the no believing spouse (1 Cor. 7:12-16). The Bible clearly shows many prominent OT figures that chose nonbelievers as wives - such as Abraham and Solomon. Many misquote 2 Cor. 6:14, but if you read the entire chapter you will see this is in context to MINISTRY and everyday life, and is not in any way directly tied to marriage - so therefore, to take this verse literally would mean never to interact with any non-believer. But clearly this cannot the case because Jesus Himself spoke and interacted directly with many nonbelievers and commanded us to go into and reach the whole world (mainly nonbelievers) with the Gospel. But both the OT and NT give many examples of the difficulties that arose because of these intermarriages - or as Paul outlines God's intention in many of his books "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial" (1 Cor. 6: 12). 5) Again, perhaps many would not agree with me but from personal experience I would definitely tell you to take this opportunity to learn and witness. Ask to attend his mosque and Arabic/ Islamic classes. If you attend at first with him, also go unannounced several times after that. This will give you direct knowledge of what is being preached and the teachings of Islam that many (esp. Christians) do not get to experience. I do qualify by saying that while you are there I would bring (without asking) a Bible and not join in prayers - let them know you are there merely to observe - but primarily I would tell you to PRAY silently from your heart TO JESUS to reveal Himself to everyone that is there while they are praying. I did this many times while "dating" my significant other, and found that shortly thereafter he often had questions or concerns he wanted to discuss, which allowed me to explain in bits in pieces about how having a relationship with Jesus differs from Islam. Other suggestions if he is now regularly visiting your home - if you have a regular time for prayer or Bible reading, let him know that and if your regular time happens to be when he is there, make sure you continue as planned and don't alter to accommodate him as a guest - if you have stopped because he was there, then explain to him that you did this but now feel you must continue your regular routine. If he asks you what you are reading, BEGIN by reading a few verses and THEN tell him it is a portion from the Holy Bible. Also, perhaps after a few months you might then offer to lend him a Bible. I have had very few Muslims bulk about taking a Bible, most are curious if nothing else, but if they seem hesitant I tell them they should not expect me to want to read and understand the Quran and Islam if they won't even read a bit of another "holy book" either. Also definitely make sure you pray openly before all meals and if an opportunity should present (a school or family problem he has) offer to pray with him about it (remember, the Word of God that goes forth accomplishes all God's purposes! Isaiah 55:11). 6) My last and perhaps most important piece of advice if the two become intent on marrying is to DEMAND a pre-nuptial agreement - especially noting that in event of divorce any children born will always live with and be raised by the mother and can NOT be taken out of the State or country you live in (esp. overseas) without written permission of the mother. Islam requires a written "nikkah" (marital agreement) that usually includes a lot of items we westerners find typical in a pre-nup (such as alimony); however, according to Islamic tradition children belong to the father and must be raised as Muslims. However, even if you have a written "agreement", his family may not be happy with this, and especially after divorce many people change their mind, and unfortunately are influenced heavily again by Islamic family so that children are taken never to be seen again by their mother - and most Islamic countries offer little assistance in retrieval of children because of this. At least if you have something in writing proving it was discussed and agreed upon before the marriage as a part of the divorce you have more to present them that may force action. Although I would consider my previous 5-year relationship with this Muslim man from Pakistan to be good and also much more respectful and caring than any relationship I had with any American man, obviously it did not work out. I also still do wonder if perhaps it all was just a "game of the west" to him because he chose to keep "Islamic silence" rather than give me a decent, honest answer. Last, obviously because I still feel I should remain anonymous (somewhat out of fear of reprisal by him/his family, but also to maintain both our personal privacy) this alone can tell you something about the long-term affects if such a relationship does not work out. Anonymous on the East Coast of USA

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